The Art Of Letting Go
Why is letting go so hard?
Confession time. I have literally had this topic in my content plan since early spring and keep pushing it out because it’s a very difficult concept for me. I have a very hard time letting go. Not of everything - just certain things. I can easily spring clean my house, organize my clothes or even let go of work goals where projects flopped. But when it comes to human interactions, I am constantly trying to control every situation, conversation and outcome. Which just creates more suffering in my life. Can you relate? Maybe not specifically to controlling relationships, but possibly something else where you can’t seem to let go? Today I’m sharing how you can start to let go of attachments so that you can reduce your anxiety and feel a bit more ease and freedom in your life.
The Four Noble Truths
Before I dive in, I want to say that I am by no means a scholar in Buddhist philosophy. I have learned most of what I know from my teacher, Jonathan Foust, who I met when I was required to dive deep into meditation for 9 days as part of my advanced yoga teacher training certification. I am so grateful for the time we spent together and for his continued teachings on these practices because they have truly changed my life.
According to the Buddha, everything born out of causes and conditions is going to get old, sick and eventually die. This includes you and me and everything we both love. Uplifting, right? Well, it can be if we shift our perspective a little bit.
According to the Four Noble Truths of Buddhist philosophy:
Stress, suffering, and dissatisfaction happens to everyone - everyone in human form will experience dissatisfaction and unsteadiness.
There is a direct cause for stress and suffering - when we cling to some sort of identification or desire, we suffer.
There is a remedy - It’s actually possible to let go.
There’s a path and techniques to letting go in order to experience a greater sense of freedom and happiness.
When we forget that everything is impermanent, and we want to stop what is changing or want something to change that isn’t, we create suffering for ourselves. But, the good news is that we can learn to let go in order to reduce this suffering.
Whatever we hold on to is going to result in rope burn. Whatever we let go of is going to result in some sort of ease.
Last year I had a dear friend tell me he was moving away. At the time, we did a lot of things together and he was an extremely important part of my life. I of course did not want this to change. So when he told me he was moving, I felt a rush of fear, anxiety and stress move through me. And for a split second, I remembered, and even whispered to myself, “everything is impermanent”, which created a little bit of space for me to react that I was happy for him instead of sharing my fear of it.
Of course that spacious feeling of ease and freedom passed pretty quickly, but more on that in a moment.
The Art of Remembering
So if this is the truth, why do we forget and create this suffering for ourselves?
Because there is a quality in your mind that is dedicated to keeping you alive. The Amygdala part of your brain is constantly scanning for danger - which is a really good thing when there is an immediate threat. Unfortunately, this also means that you tend to live in a constant haze of what could go wrong. According to Buddhist philosophy, our awareness, or our knowing of what is true, is clouded by three main factors:
Greed - wanting, craving or fantasizing about something more or different
Hatred - anger and blame which moves you away from what is actually happening
Delusion or confusion - believing something is true that isn’t, or not believing something is true when it is.
So when you’re faced with some sort of aversion, your brain assumes danger and you start to see the situation through these three lenses instead of through the nature of reality.
The trick to all of this is remembering that everything is going to change and that the only control you have is your relationship to what is happening in your life. And remembering that is the key to letting go of what you can not control.
So, after my initial “happy for you” reaction with my friend, greed, hatred and delusion set in. And for a long time I forgot to let go of what was happening and created a ton of suffering for myself and for him. I continued to cycle again and again old hurts, unfilled desires and wants - it was the same stories and the same feelings inside that just ruminated over and over again, which really felt like torture.
The famous meditation teacher Ajahn Chah once said:
“If you let go a little, you’ll have a little bit of freedom. If you let go a lot, you’ll have a lot of inner freedom. And if you let go completely, you’ll have complete freedom.”
I can relate to that. It took a lot of work to step back and notice how I felt while creating this terrible rope burn and the ease I could experience when I remembered to let go.
Practices to Help Remember
Usually you can't just snap your fingers and simply let go of what is causing you to suffer. I suppose it could happen but more likely than not, it’s going to be a process. And thankfully, the fourth noble truth reminds us that there is a path to help us with the process of letting go.
Here are a few practices that help us to remember to let go.
During the practice of meditation, you are asked to return again and again to your anchor - to notice your thoughts or feelings and then let them go so you can bring your awareness back to the present moment. Each time you wake up to the moment you let go of the stories. You let go of wanting, aversion, doubt, fear and self judgement and return to the here and now, which has no desire, hatred or delusion. And for even just a tiny second, you can notice how it feels to be in that space - a space of ease and freedom.
Asking yourself, “What’s between me and feeling free right now?”
Another practice is to simply notice what you are holding on to that is depriving you from feeling free. Close your eyes and simply ask yourself, “what is between me and feeling free right now?” Let that thought or feeling come up, say hello to it, and then move it to the side. Then ask again, “what else is between me and feeling free right now?” Let that thought or feeling come up, say hello to it, and then move it to the side. Repeat this as many times as you like and notice how it feels to reveal all the things that are holding you back right now. And as you push them to the side, notice how it feels when you let them go a little bit.
The Idea of Letting Go
Sometimes you can feel ease and freedom simply from the idea of letting go. In this practice, think of something you are holding onto right now and notice what it’s like to hold on. What does it feel like on the inside? And then ask three questions, sitting with each answer as it comes up for you:
Can you let it go right now?
If you can’t let it go right now could you possibly let this go in the future?
And if you could let it go in the future, when would you let it go?
Sometimes just identifying the idea of letting something go can create a bit of freedom and happiness.
Letting go does not come quickly because it's not automatic. But you can learn to trust your inner wisdom and encourage the mind to let go. As the teacher and poet Tilopa said:
Let go of what has passed.
Let go of what may come.
Let go of what is happening now.
Don’t try to figure anything out.
Don’t try to make anything happen.
Relax right now and rest.
In the moment, when you let go of what is past, what might come, and what is happening now and just relax and rest, you can experience pure presence. As I mentioned at the beginning, letting go is still something I work on multiple times a day. But I can feel a shift when I remember to return again and again to the here and now. And I hope this helps you remember as well that you can start to let go of your attachments in order to reduce your anxiety and feel a bit more ease and freedom in your life. If you are interested in practicing a meditation that will guide you back to the present moment, download my FREE 10-minute Body Scan Meditation today to help you let go of your stressors and feel at ease.