My Personal Struggle With Anxiety And How to Keep Moving Forward
About a week ago my anxiety was so high that I found myself crying, standing in a deep squat in my kitchen, trying every trick I know to stop the voices in my head. My inner critic was ruthless and I couldn’t figure out a way to get out of her grip. I don’t know about you, but some days my anxiety feels very manageable and other days it feels like a hell that I would never wish on even my biggest enemy.
Most weeks I share mindfulness tips and tricks in this blog designed to help you better manage your anxiety. This week, however, I’m opening up and sharing my own struggles with anxiety, including the times when I have hard time managing it. You aren’t alone when your voices take over and you feel paralyzed by your own anxiety. And, it’s not always butterflies and roses to manage your anxiety, even when you know what to do.
Today I’m sharing my own story in hopes that you feel encouraged and supported to either start or continue to take action toward better managing your own anxiety. Although I still struggle, I hope you see from my experiences that you too can learn to live a happier and more balanced life, even when your anxiety is hard to manage.
The Early Years
I’ve been anxious my entire life. Heck, my dad struggles with anxiety and in fact, most of my family on his side does too. Thankfully, we can laugh about it … asking which medications we’re trying these days and how our “crazy minds” make us really fun at times!
I guess my first memory of feeling anxious was in my backyard as a little girl - I was probably six or seven. My slightly older cousin was over to play and we decided to swing on my swing set. While we were swinging and singing, “Country Roads” by John Denver, a cessna plane flew overhead after it had just taken off from the airport behind our house. I immediately jumped off the swing, crying and screaming, as I ran as fast as I could toward the house. I believed the plane was going to fall out of the sky, right on my cousin and me. Unfortunately for her, I left her for dead, but that’s a story for another time.
I guess you’d say that when I was younger, I was afraid of my own shadow. I was afraid to be alone (which was ironic because I am an only child), I hated the vacuum and the dark, and I thought planes were going to fall out of the sky. And, I also thought I was the only one who thought like this because everyone in my life seemed to be fine with the things I was afraid of or they told me to “knock it off” and “stop crying” when I was scared.
As I became a teen and a young adult, I simply learned how to live with my anxiety. Of course I didn’t realize it was anxiety at the time. I just thought I was a weirdo who over-thought every … single … situation. I worried about conversations I had, ways I acted and things I hadn’t even done yet. I played out various scenarios in my head to try and control everything so that I could feel less nervous. Little did I know, this was making me more anxious.
I thought I was insane. Why was my mind in overdrive all the time? And why couldn’t I stop it? I didn’t want to tell anyone what I was really thinking because I thought they’d think I was crazy. Heck, I did so wouldn’t they too? I pretended to be fine, when nothing was fine. I put everyone else's needs before my own. I had multiple panic attacks without anyone knowing because I didn’t want to cause a scene. I said no to things I actually wanted to do because I was too scared. This went on for 21 years until the moment I realized I needed help.
Turning Point
I have known my very best-est friend since kindergarten. We were actually commenting recently that we’ve known each other now for 41 years, and we still talk every single day. When I was younger, she was the one person I felt comfortable turning to when I felt anxious and overwhelmed - and she’s still my first text or call when I can’t seem to manage it. I truly believe there was a time in our lives when she actually knew me better than I knew myself. And thankfully, she was there the day I realized I needed help.
I can’t remember exactly what had happened leading up to this moment, but I can remember how I felt. The year was 1999, and I was living alone in New Jersey. My anxiety was completely out of control on this particular day. I felt ashamed, embarrassed, overwhelmed, hopeless, crazy, worthless, stupid, uncertain, insignificant and just exhausted. I called my best friend for support and found myself crying to her while I crumbled to pieces on the kitchen floor. I remember it like it was yesterday. I can still see the yellow twisted phone cord attached to the wall phone receiver as I laid on my back looking at the ceiling with tears streaming down my face. (Back in those days, you had to talk where the phone was physically located!)
When I finally gave her a chance to speak, my dear friend said, “Chele. I want to help you. But I don’t think I can. I don’t know what to do for you and I think it’s time that you found a professional who can best support you through this.”
Although it hit hard, she was 100% correct. I needed help. The next phone call I made was to a local talk therapist, which started me on my self-discovery journey.
How I Manage Today
Also, shortly after that, I took my first yoga class and fell in love. This incredible “exercise” was more than just moving my body and breaking a sweat. I didn’t know it at the time, but yoga would change my life. Over the past 22 years, I have learned movement, breathing and meditation techniques that have taught me how to stay present, recognize my anxious thoughts as just thoughts, and discover who I truly am. And I continue to use talk-therapy and medication when I’m feeling stuck and need help uncovering the layers that make me me.
But what’s truly amazing about this journey is that it's just that - a journey. There is no goal or destination where my anxiety goes away and I live blissfully like a renunciate on a mountain top. I live in a world where my stories are triggered and my anxiety rears its ugly head. Some days I’m swimming with the current and everything feels easy. Other days, I’m swimming upstream, just trying to keep my head above water. And on those days, sometimes I still get so anxious that I can’t even help myself with the tools and tricks I know. But on those days, I try so hard to remind myself that I’m human. And that I’m allowed to feel all my feelings and be exactly who I am, anxious and all. Because, this is what truly makes me me. And although it’s an unpleasant feeling that I usually just want to go away, I can remember that everything is impermanent, this will move though, and there will be another experience waiting for me on the other side.
So there you have it. I don’t have it all figured out. I wish I did because I would truly love to stop your anxiety from happening at all. But what I can do is teach you the tools and techniques that help me better manage my anxiety most of the time. And on the days that it’s too much to handle, I want to remind you that you are human too and that it’s okay to be exactly who you are.
If you are interested in learning some of the techniques I still practice on a regular basis when I am feeling worried and restless, download my Essential Guide to Coping with Uncertainty today to find more ease in your life!