Are You Tired of Over-Apologizing? Here’s How Mindfulness Can Help.
If I had $1 for each time I said, “I’m sorry”, I would be a multimillionaire.
I am an over-apologizer. I have been most of my life and until recently I thought I was apologizing to be polite and compassionate toward others. And although those are great reasons to apologize on occasion, over-apologizing because of my anxiety has become an involuntary response and it usually has nothing to do with me actually feeling remorse. And, I’ve noticed that all it really does is make me feel bad about myself, especially when the person I’m apologizing to tells me to stop apologizing.
The day I said, “Sorry!” to a trash can when I accidentally bumped into it was the day I knew I needed to figure out why I apologize so much.
If you can relate, I’m here to tell you there is good news! We can absolutely do something about this! After reading today’s blog, you’ll learn how anxiety impacts your need to apologize and how mindfulness techniques can help, which will give you the confidence you need to stop over-apologizing and reduce your anxiety.
Why “I’m Sorry…” is a Good Thing
A sincere “I’m sorry” is an important part in building trust in relationships. When you break a social conduct rule (like cutting in line at the grocery store), harm another person in some way or break another person’s trust, it’s important to apologize, even if what you did was unintentional. The whole point of apologizing is to restore a potential broken relationship.
A sincere apology is a good thing for the following reasons:
It’s usually the first step to open the communication lines with someone you have harmed to try and reconnect. It gets people talking again and feel comfortable with one another.
If you break a social conduct rule, an apology shows that you know the “rules” and that you agree they should be followed. When you apologize (even to a stranger in the grocery store line!), it allows the other person to feel safe knowing that you don’t think hurtful behavior is ok.
It shows the other person that you care about their feelings because you are validating them with an apology.
Apologies let the person you harmed save face because you are letting them know that the incident was your fault and not theirs.
Saying “I’m sorry” lets people know that you’re not generally someone who goes around hurting other people. Apologizing shows that you are not proud of what you did and that you want to be remembered for being a good person and not for the mistakes you’ve made.
Why Some of Us Over-Apologize and Why It’s Not Helpful
There are many reasons why you might have learned the habit of over-apologizing when you were a kid. Here are just a few.
Over-conflict. If you grew up in a household full of arguments and screaming matches, there’s a good chance you apologize when you don’t have to because you don’t want to experience this level of anger or violence.
Fear of abandonment. Instead of screaming and fighting, maybe you experienced a parent going “cold” after a conflict. Maybe they stopped talking to you or told you to go to your room until you sorted out your own feelings. You learned that having needs could potentially leave you alone in this world. So you end up believing that your needs were not valid and over-apologizing to avoid being neglected or left behind.
People pleasing. If you were told to be a “good person”, you may have learned to apologize to prove to other people that you’re generally not someone who goes around hurting other people.
Safety tactic. If you have experienced trauma as a child or found yourself in an abusive relationship, you may over-apologize to avoid having terrible things happen to you. You might even believe you are to blame for these terrible things and that an apology is necessary to keep you safe.
Whatever the reason, in most cases over-apologizing is most likely used as a coping mechanism. You feel like a burden and believe that your needs are not important. You feel you have to say, “I’m sorry” for simply existing.
This coping mechanism also happens when you struggle with anxiety. The “what-if'' scenarios that race through your head can become very overwhelming and debilitating. You constantly think something is wrong so you apologize to cover all your bases. “I’m sorry” becomes a reflex.
And, it’s usually the only way to slow down or even stop your overthinking mind. If you apologize, your worried mind gets a signal that it doesn’t have to continue ruminating because you’ve ended the situation by apologizing. Strangely enough, you actually get a little peace and quiet from your overthinking mind when you apologize.
Even when you did absolutely nothing wrong.
The problem is that over-apologizing lowers your self-esteem, can lessen the impact of the apology and can cause others to lose respect for you. By starting a sentence with “Sorry, but ..” you are saying to another person that you think everything is your fault and that your opinions and feelings don’t matter. Also, by constantly apologizing, others will start to see you as small, timid or weak because they won’t see your opinion as valuable. You might have something impactful to share, but if you start with “Sorry, but …” there’s a good chance it will fall flat. Finally, if you apologize all the time, it will eventually lose its meaning. It will no longer be a strength to build trust and connection with others because it will be seen as a weakness and most likely will simply be ignored. So, even though you are apologizing because you think it’s making the situation better, it’s most likely just making it a lot worse.
How to Stop Over-Apologizing
The very first step to slow down your apology urge is to bring your awareness to the moment. Remember, you are not your thoughts - you are the thinker behind your thoughts! When you are about to say “I’m sorry…”, see if you can pause, just for a moment, and take a breath or two. This will bring your mind to the present moment so you can decide how you want to respond instead of having the situation respond for you.
In that space, you might ask yourself, “Am I about to apologize for something …”
… that I have no control over?
… that I didn’t do?
… that someone else did?
… I’m feeling or that I need?
… I’m wearing?
… that took me a long time to reply?
… I don’t understand or know?
If the answer is yes to any of the above, you do not need to apologize. However, your anxious mind will still mostly likely tell you otherwise.
When this happens, see if you can Ride The Wave and be with the feeling that you need to apologize. Can you simply notice it, feel it, and maybe even investigate why you feel the need to apologize when you logically know there is no reason to? There’s a chance that just sitting with it will lessen the urge to apologize and may even shine some insight on why these urges continue to show up for you.
If you believe you truly did something wrong, ask a trusted friend to see what they think. I usually turn to my bestie when this happens. I might text her and say, “Hey, did I have a right to have that feeling?” and she’ll say, “Yep. You had every right to be upset. There is no reason to apologize.” Sometimes just getting a third opinion will help to tame the anxious feeling that you need to apologize.
Finally, you might want to try a rephrase when you find yourself in that space right before you want to say, “I’m sorry…”
Try “Thank You...”
Instead of “Sorry I’m late..” you can say, “Thank you for being patient.”
Instead of “Sorry I’m so sad right now”, you can say, “Thank you for being there for me and for listening.”
Use “Unfortunately…”
Instead of “Sorry, this isn’t what I ordered…” you can say “Unfortunately, this isn’t what I ordered.”
Instead of “Sorry for being late…” you can say, “Unfortunately traffic caused me to be late…”
Try “Excuse me…”
Instead of “Sorry, I need to get past you…” you can say, “Excuse me, I need to get past you.”
Instead of “Sorry, I am looking for the bathroom...” you can say, “Excuse me, do you know where I can find the bathroom?”
I realize that just saying all this doesn’t mean actually doing it will be easy. Trust me, it hasn’t been easy for me. One thing to remember is that this is a practice and that you won’t catch yourself every time. Remember that it takes courage to do this work and that you are allowed to move through it at whatever pace you need. And, if you also hate uncertainty as much as I do, download my Essential Guide to Coping with Uncertainty today to learn 5 additional steps that you can do right now to feel less worry and more ease in your life.